Writing Your Own Wedding Vows

If you've chosen a personalised ceremony, the celebrant will hand you a genuinely open brief: write your own vows, say what you actually mean, in your own words. That freedom is exactly what makes it hard. A blank page with no prompt is a lot harder to fill than a form with boxes to tick. This guide is the process, not a script to copy, since vows that sound like someone else's are the ones that read as generic on the day.

At a glance

• Only a personalised ceremony lets you write your own vows, the fixed-price standard option uses set wording.

• A loose structure (address your partner, admiration, promises, future, close) beats a blank page every time.

• Aim for roughly one to two minutes read aloud, cut toward your strongest lines rather than a word count.

• Reading from a card is completely normal and photographs perfectly well. It's what most couples actually do.

Personalised vs standard: which path are you on

New Zealand's marriage system gives you two ceremony options, and only one of them involves writing your own vows. A personalised ceremony lets you write your own words, choose your own celebrant, and marry at any time and place you like. A fixed-price, standard-vows ceremony uses set wording instead, and runs only on weekdays during business hours. If you're not sure which one you've booked, or want the full legal detail on licences, witnesses, and paperwork, our guide to the legal requirements to get married in New Zealand covers that ground properly. This article assumes you're on the personalised path and picks up from there, purely on the words themselves.

Your celebrant will let you know of the small number of things that need to appear somewhere in the ceremony for it to be legally sound, generally around confirming who you both are by your full names. That's their job to check, not something you need to build your vows around. Once that's covered, everything else is genuinely yours to shape.

A structure that actually works

Staring at a blank page rarely produces anything good. A loose structure does, even if you throw half of it out later. A workable shape, adapted from how professional vow-writers approach it, runs roughly like this:

• Start with your partner, not a big statement. Address them by name and say where you are, right now, in this moment. It's a far easier way in than trying to open with something profound.

• Say what you admire about them, specifically. Not "you're amazing", but the actual thing: how they handle a bad day, what they're like with your family, the way they've shown up for you.

• Name what makes your relationship work. The specific thing between the two of you, not a generic description of love.

• Make three to six actual promises. Specific ones. Most should be sincere, one or two can be lighter or genuinely funny, since a vow doesn't have to be solemn the whole way through to be real.

• Look forward, briefly. What you're building together, what marriage actually changes or doesn't change between you.

• Close simply. A plain, heartfelt line lands harder than a big finish you've been building toward for two paragraphs. When in doubt, "I love you" is a genuinely fine way to end.

None of this needs to be rigid. Some of the best vows we've heard skip a section entirely or reorder it completely. The value of the structure is in getting past the blank page, not in following it exactly.

Vows that sound like someone else's are the ones that read as generic on the day.

How long should your vows actually be

There's no official length requirement, but the practical convention that's held up across most weddings is roughly one to two minutes read aloud, somewhere in the range of a few hundred words. Long enough to say something real, short enough that it doesn't drag for guests standing in the sun, or lose its own momentum halfway through. If you're well over that once you time yourself reading it aloud, it's usually not that the extra length is bad, it's that the strongest lines are getting buried in it. Cut toward your best two or three sentences rather than toward a target word count.

Matching tone with your partner, without comparing word-for-word

You don't need to see each other's vows in advance, and most couples genuinely prefer not to. What's worth agreeing on beforehand is the general shape: roughly how long, roughly how serious or light, so one person isn't reading a two-minute heartfelt letter while the other reads four sentences and a joke. A short conversation about tone and length, without either of you reading the actual words, keeps the moment balanced without spoiling the surprise of what's actually written.

Common mistakes worth avoiding

Inside jokes are the biggest one. Something that's hilarious to the two of you can land as confusing silence for a room full of guests who weren't there for the story, and a vow is a moment for everyone in the room, not just the two of you. Leaving it until the week before is the second, since the best vows tend to come from a few honest drafts written over time, not one sitting under deadline pressure. And over-editing the emotion out, tidying every sentence until it sounds polished rather than like you, is the third. A slightly rough, genuinely personal line beats a smooth, generic one every time.

Read from a card, or memorise?

Reading from a card is completely fine, and it's what the vast majority of couples we photograph actually do. It photographs and films well, it removes the risk of blanking partway through, and nobody in the room is judging you for holding paper. If you'd rather memorise, that's a genuine option too, just have a printed backup with your celebrant in case nerves wipe your memory on the day, which happens more often than you'd think.

One practical thing worth arranging ahead of time if you're marrying outdoors: wind and ambient noise can genuinely swallow a quiet voice at a garden or beach ceremony, and it's worth checking with your celebrant or venue whether a small PA or handheld mic makes sense, regardless of guest numbers, simply so the people who came to hear your vows actually can.

What happens on the day if you get emotional or blank

It happens constantly, and it's one of the most genuinely human parts of a ceremony to witness and photograph. A pause to breathe, a laugh, your partner reaching for your hand while you find the next line, these moments tend to be the ones couples treasure most afterward, not the ones they wish had gone differently. If you do blank completely, your celebrant is there specifically to help you find your place again. Nobody in the room is timing you, and nobody remembers a pause as a mistake.

A simple writing process, start to finish

Start weeks out, not days. Jot rough notes whenever a real thought comes to you, rather than trying to sit down and write it in one go. Draft it loosely against the structure above, then read it aloud, more than once, out loud in the actual room or space you'll be standing in if you can manage it. Time yourself. Cut anything that isn't doing real work, and trust the plain, simple line over the one you've been trying to make sound impressive. By the time you're standing there, you should know it well enough to glance up from the card, not read it word for word with your head down the whole time.

Frequently asked questions

Do our vows need to include specific legal wording?

There are a small number of legal elements your celebrant will make sure appear somewhere in the ceremony, generally confirming your full names. It's their job to check this, not something you need to write around.

Should we read our vows to each other before the wedding?

Most couples don't, and that's genuinely fine. Agreeing on rough tone and length beforehand is more useful than reading the actual words, and keeps some surprise in the moment.

What if I start crying and can't get through it?

It's one of the most common, most human moments in a ceremony. Pause, breathe, your celebrant will help if you need it, and nobody in the room will remember it as anything other than genuine.

Should we read from a card or memorise our vows?

Either works. Reading from a card is what most couples actually do and it photographs perfectly well. If you memorise, keep a printed backup with your celebrant just in case.

Planning your own wedding?

If your vows are likely to get emotional (most do), tell us and we'll make sure we're positioned to catch it, not just hear about it afterwards.